Kim Kardashian rents an overpriced tacky house

Does she not know she lives alone?

Sex tape star, former wife of Damon Thomas and Kris Humphries, Kim Kardashian has signed a lease for $40,000 a month for a tacky house in a gated community in Beverly Hills. She orignally had her heart set on a much larger house in Bel Air but decided to stay in Beverly Hills to be close to her former residence (which she likes to think is worth $5 million which just isnt true, in a good market she'd be lucky to get pack what she paid, $3.4 million). Her new 6,700 square foot home has 6 bedrooms and 4 bathrooms

80 year old Uma Thurman is pregnant with her third child

Yeah I don't own any rights are anything about this image, thank God.

Kill Bill star(?) Uma Thurman and boyfriend Arpad Busson (rich and old, good combination) are expecting their first child together. They each already have two children each from previous relationships (hers by Ethan Hawke and his by Elle Macphearson). Okay so maybe she isn't 80 but she looks a hell of a lot older than 41 and incapable of conceiving a child. If I was one of her existing kids I'd be pretty pissed that she is cutting down their inheritance by around $7.5 million (but he must have a couple of tax dodged millions floating around somewhere as his looks and his girlfriends/lovers/wives/fiancees don't quite match).

I obviously don't get fame, the Oscars is a special event to award generally talented actors not the chance for fame hungry twats like Sacha Baron Cohen to act a cunt with pathetic publicity stunts!

Nothing to say really.

Sacha Baron Cohen is a dumb fuck who makes me ashamed to be British. This knob turns up in a dictator costume and rambles some random shit (all his movies and accents are the same, just saying) that doesnt even make sense then 'accidently' tips over fake ashes of Kim Jong Il over Ryan Seacrest! Why?! Why would you do this?! If I was Ryan Seacrest I would have punched this prick repeatedly in the face. He is just not funny.

Rihanna on the shortlist to play Whitney Houston in a movie, why?

No similarities at all!

Rihanna maybe talented but what the fuck has she got in common? Whitney Houston was a powerful ballad singer and Rihanna is an edgy (verging on trampy) R&B singer. And considering Clive Davis is actually involved with this movie I have actually lost some respect for him as there is a lot more suitable candidates for the role, Jennifer Hudson. I've got a feeling this will either be the best movie ever or a complete fuck up like Mariah Carey's Glitter (which I didn't think was that bad), give me The Bodyguard any day!

Admiral General Aladeen was uninvited then invited to the Oscars?

Did Gaddafi have a love child?

Edgy (meaning completely fucking weird and possible insane) actor Sacha Baron Cohen made it public his intentions to arrive to the Academy Awards as his latest alter ego. The alter ego being that of Admiral General Aladeen an exiled dictator (that's pretty much the movie don't bother going to see it). Until the producers decided that he needed to re-think his outfit (I thought Gaddafi and North Korea's dictator where busy, but who knows?) or he would not be permitted to attend. Then he did a pointless promo telling them to re-think his invitation, they did and now he's going. That's it really.

Was he planning to get busy on the red carpet?

I'm guessing he was expecting more than a hand shake?

A new Youtube sensation has gone viral and it shows 24 year old Zac Efron (former teen star who is quite overrated lets be honest now) greeting a female fan and dropping a condom in the process. The incident happened at the premiere of The Lorax which was also attended by Taylor Swift (who is has recently been reported to dating since there was an element of sexual tension between them as they dueted on Ellen). Enough said really former Disney star wraps it up.

I'm guessing Abdul forgot to pay her insurance?

Hey Paula!

Paula Abdul isn't having such a good year first she gets dropped from the US X Factor (Sico's a twat, enough said), secondly she finally has to compensate Jill Kohl who fell over in Paula's house while filming Hey Paula as told by her lawyer Robert Rodriguez Clayton. She has agreed to pay $900,000 to her and $100,000 to the TV show's production company. And now thirdly she is selling her house for an unknown reason (do we have another Joe Jackson?). The house is in a gated community in Sherman Oaks and listed for $1,899,000 by realtor. It includes a pool, 0.26 acre garden, 5 bedrooms, 5 bathrooms and over 4,679 sqft of luxury living space (HINT, HINT, GO BUY!).

.. Nice house.

Anything you do, she can do better!

I have lost every ounce of respect that I may have had for James Corden.

This very bold statement is aimed at that slut who flipped off the crowd while performing with Nicki Minaj and Madonna, can't remember her name and couldn't be arsed researching it. Anyway Adele decided to 'stick it to the suits' after they cut her Brit award speech short, before she had a chance to thank all her fans for their support. So she without hesitation flipped off to the cameras as James Corden wrestled for the microphone. Since the incident last night Adele has apologised for anyone offended, but refuses to apology for putting the middle finger up because 'the suits' offended her (I agree they should all go fuck themselves, she was obviously like the woman of the night so so she should finish her speech. WHO THE FUCK ARE 'BLUR' ANYWAY!?).

Jackie Chan gets some wings

Come fly with me, come fly, come fly away!

Vaguely understandable actor, Jackie Chan has scored a huge deal to promote a Brazilian aircraft maker. Although no physical cash was exchanged he recieved a $30 million custom design jet. Reports also seem to suggest that the Chan is learning to pilot his own 14 seater jet himself (he may need help with his wandings). Not really sure what Embraer where thinking when signing Jackie Chan to this desirable contract as how fucking relevant is he?

The Life of Whitney Houston: Sex, Drugs and Rock n Roll

She's hitting a real 'high' note here.

Since the passing of the once great Whitney Houston a series of shocking claims have been made about the dead star. Most shockingly a former driver had claimed that Whitney would smoke crack laced cigars next to her daughter who would play with dolls in the back of a limo. And also even more shockingly that she had a long term secret lesbian affair with her close friend, Robyn Crawford. Which could suggest that he who shall not be named (her ex husband who basically ruined her life) was just a cover up. And then when he found out he forced her in to marriage for a meal ticket, then because she was so unhappy she turned to drugs. Wow its actually believable.

Birkins, Blackberrys and Church?

Kris is one hot momager.

Kim Kardashian (twice divorced) and momager Kris Jenner attended church recently. Which in itself is not actually news but they don't go with the typical attire. Both reality TV stars (well they think so anyway) showed up in a Rolls Royce, both with Birkins on their arms and Blackberry in their hand? This was obviously a PR stunt to attempt to restore the Kardashian clans public image due to the recent news of Kim's divorce to her obviously fake wedding and the even more recent news of Kourtney Kardashian and her latest child out of wedlock. We're all on to you now Kris Jenner!

Again Gisele puts her foot in her horse mouth

I actually think she is really ugly.

The outspoken Brazilian beauty has caused controversy again due to the comments she made during the Patriots loss at the Super Bowl. She is now officially the most hated woman in Boston (anyone arsed?). But then again why should she give a fuck what some New Englanders think when she's an internationally acclaimed super model, has an equally rich husband, a cute kid and is set to earn a further $57 million this year! Other people are also comparing her to Yoko Ono as the Patriots havent won a Super Bowl since she got married and Yoko was the person who caused the Beatles to split.

You tell em Madge!

Got to love air brushing.

After Einstein M.I.A.'s little attention seeking stunt The Queen of Pop, Madonna as hit back at the slut branding her act 'childish' and 'foolish'. If I was Madonna I would go to this bitch's house (probably a dodgy area in Greater Los Angeles) and beat the shit out of her, this was like her most important time as she is making a return to music since her movie (which I can't wait to see, but who has the time?) so yeah she is 'childish' and 'foolish' and generally just an attention seeking whore, next time Madge just kiss her!

M.I.A. WTF!!!!!!!!!!

She so gansta!

The Super Bowl is an international event watched by over 100 million people so to be invited to perform is an honour. But one way of never getting another chance is to do one that M.I.A. done and put her middle figure up to cameras whilst performing with Nicki Minaj and Madonna. She is a fucking genius, why would you even do that? Its not even like when Janet Jackson's tit fell out this was just a pure publicity stunt which made her just come across like a fucking joke and attention seeking cunt. I don't even know who the twat it!

'I'm sorry' - Karl Lagerfeld (German Accent)

I'd blame the language barrier.

This must be the first time ever that Karl Lagerfeld has felt sorry for offending or hurting someones feelings as the German guru took to the Metro to express his feelings of regret. Which is really a really apology in my eyes as the Metro is that free newspaper of public transport that you use as an umbrella when its raining. He went on too saying Adele is a beautiful girl, he can't wait to buy her new CD (you'd think with all the Ipads he has he would get an Ipod?) and some other shit which really didn't mean anything so I turned of a bit.

Adele say what?!?!? Don't fuck with Adele Adkins!!

Exactly, Karl who?

Adele is a classy lady instead of firing back with some sort of cheap shot about Karl Lagerfeld she simply stated that 'I represent the majority of women and I'm very proud of that'. So I doubt she really gives a shit what he thinks or anyone else for that matter and this is why Adele is a real role model opposed to those who think they are. Yep that's you Kimberly Noel Kardashian just because your a reality star because of your interesting sex tape doesn't make you a role model or a person for young women to aspire to be like even if you have made a million billion trillion dollars from it!

The Feld say whattt?!?!?

He's looking a tad porky himself.

'She is a little too fat', is she? Adele may not be anorexic but is it fair to say she's fat? Controversial fashion designer Karl Lagerfeld said in a recent interview that she had a 'devine' face and was an amazing singer, but he isn't a fan of her weight or her LBD's. However The Feld seems more taken with Lana Del Rey's sense of style but is less moved by her music. Which I completely disagree with Adele can perform live, she is like fucking obese and her style is true to her personality. Sorry Karl Lagerfeld this time you failed to get a laugh.

Whitney Houston is dead.

Remember her like this.

And you may think this is just another pointless internet rumour, but no the Queen of Pop has been found dead in a bath at the Beverly Hilton which she was preparing to attend mentor Clive Davis' Grammy party. This comes after a series of late night outs and reports that she was back together(?) with Ray J (that guy who fucked Kim Kardashian on tape and made her the celebrity she is today, thanks for that by the way). This sudden death of such an icon caused many celebrities to to express their condolences to her family. We Will Always Love You Whitney Houston, Queen of Pop!

I know its hardly the time but how good does Dannii Minogue look in this picture?

Blue Ivy Carter FIRST PUBLIC PICTURES!

I know actually feel like a Carter.

We super star parents like Beyonce and Jay Z at an early age picture can sell for mega millions, just ask classy Angelina Jolie (irony). But instead the happy couple decided to show intimate images of the new family on a tumblr blog (thank fuck it's not Facebook, Facebook is the devil!) FOR FREE! And it is actually a cute baby as well, which is rare because most come out bald and with a funny shaped head but Blue Ivy Carter has came out with a full head. She bears a resemblance to her aunt (Beyonce's sister, the one with the ridiculously unpronounceable name).

Mother and baby.

I'm guessing mother and baby.

Father and baby.

Beyonce's nose and Jay Z's lips?

And maybe aunt Solange's hair?

Halle Berry Takes France, when the judge agrees

Good picture.

Becoming engaged should be the happiest time in your life, but if you Halle Berry as she is currently involved in a bitter custody battle, her ex stalker has escaped, her house needs repairs plus she wants to jump ship and flee to France. Sure that will go down well in court that she wants to leave her baby daddy in Los Angeles and move to France, which is in fact another continent with her new future husband which will minmize the time her daughter will have with her biological father. Doubt this move to the other side of the world will be a career boost which she really needs compared to her early days as a hot bond girl (at least she's still hot).

The divorce is final.

Imagine waking up in Vegas married to that!

Yesterday both Katy Perry and Russell brand signed on the dotted line to mark their divorce. They are said to have agreed to split their assets but Russell has refused to accept any of Katy's £28 million (I wouldn't like, I'd take everything that isn't attatched to her!). Their assets include two homes in Southern California and an apartment in New York City. If anything the marriage was a great boost in to the American markets as now he's not the weird English comedian, he's the weird English acting comedian, move over Ricky Gervais!

I think I have a bit of a crush on Denise?

The other tranny twin finds it funny.

An 'evil' possibly mentally fucked up tweeter has for the past week been sending tweets to Denise Welch encouraging her to commit suicide. Which is quiet fucked up really and she's not the only public figure to contact the police over offencive tweeters as earlier this week Kylie Minogue also contacted the police as well as Cheryl Lloyd (not a fan but that's irrelevant) who claims she gets 10 tweets a day calling her a 'dirty pikey'. . I used to HATE Facebook and prefer Twitter but I'm getting to the point where every source of social networking is just hard work and can I really be arsed anyone more?

I am becoming increasingly less loyal to Denise Welch

(Her husband, not father).

OKAY DENISE WE'VE SEEN THEM ENOUGH! Yet again Denise has got her baps out for the cameras, this time at a fucking karaoke bar! Which I am not sure is more embarrising the fact that she is semi naked with two other equally naked women or the fact that her soon to be ex husband is in the middler. Plus theres the whole karaoke thing. She's a bit of a loose cannon as one minute she's crying saying her life's shit LIVE on Loose Women then there she goes getting her tits out in a fucking karaoke bar, I'm sorry but I blame her parents (he dad just happens to be a well known drag queen).

So she is not having an affair, but she is seperating from her husband.

Bitch in pink as acting a little insensitive.

Deserved Celebrity Big Brother winner, Denise Welch broke down live on Loose Women as she publicly denied committing adultery as she has been single for "some time". Thank fuck now people may leave the poor woman alone just look at Demi Moore getting divorced is never easy especially when your middle aged and your looks begin to fade. Which in the public eye must be torture, leave them the fuck alone! No one gives a shit if it sells newspapers and their should be laws to protect fragile people in society. Yep Simon Cowell I'm looking at you.

She may let the cameras everyone, but fuck the fans she's moving to a gated community

She looks like a tranny hooker from the valley, no one tell Hugh Grant!

Reality fame whore, Kim Kardashian is said to be (most definitely a publicity stunt or an excuse to flaunt her excessive wealth when it would be best not to) scared after a trespasser came to the front door of her Beverly Hills home, he only wanted to borrow a cup of sugar but KK threw a bitch fit and is now moving to a nice gated community. (In the fake wedding can anyone else remember Kim trying to persuade Kris to buy Avril Lavigne's house in Bel Air? Well now with all that $18 million earned from her 'wedding', she can buy the fucking thing herself.). Next it will be Charlie Sheen coming up to her door to ask for a cup of white powder.

Is Joe Jackson broke?

He could at least stand up for his commission.

The man with the talented sperm, Joe Jackson was recently seen selling cheap fragrances from a kiosk in a tired Las Vegas mall. Its hardly a mid life crisis or he fancied a change from managing and manipulating one of the most talented families in the industry as later this year he will be celebrating his 84th birthday, he must just be broke. Joe was there on a personal appearance to promote Jackson family fragarances and sat under a famous image of the King of Pop himself. To make this condition worse this whole affair may be illegal. As Joe Jackson has no rights to use any trademarks associated with Michael Jackson. How the mighty have fallen, Katherine finally grew a pair and cut this fuck up off now he's having to earn his own money and not manipulate is relatives (at least not in person anyway, a picture is a picture).

Simon Cowell is the most unloyal twat in the entertainment industry.

She ain't no Paula!

First it was Cheryl Cole, he then changed the filming schedule so Dannii Minogue couldn't be on the panel and now he's dumped Paula Abdul (who I think is the best candidate for the job, she actually knows what the fuck she's talking about). But now he's offering Beyonce (overrated, give me Kelly Rowland any day) a huge $500 million contract for five years. Not only does she not need the money but how the fuck can you justify dumping both Nicole Scherzinger and Paula Abdul for once person who doesn't have the personality to cover two powerful females. He's an utter cunt!

Joan Knows Best: when you smoke pot phone your daughter to drive you home

Joan looks like a younger version of Sam Faiers

On the latest episode of Joan River' reality show she is seen getting high with her much younger friend, Lynne. In the past Rivers has be known to smoke Marijuana the deal with the pain of her numerous plastic surgeries. The pair pull up down a quiet lane to light up, then they develop the giggles and have to phone Melissa Rivers to drive them home. Passing by a sidewalk catering truck which is a suitable cure for their munchies (Joan Rivers is a fucking legend! Chelsea Handler is just a slut who can't hold her touch to her). Later on that evening Lynne and Joan find themselves fully clothed in the jacuzzi, and then when confronted pull in Melissa who seemed rather pissed off and annoyed about the whole situation. Also on this episode Melissa's boyfriends parents where in town to visit them and Cooper (Melissa's son and Joan's grandson, obviously).

ADELE IS BACK!

SHE'S FUCKING BACK!!!!!

Last year Adele had to undergo surgery to her vocal chords (which for one of very few singers who don't rely on auto tuning was the worst possible event, as it could have jeopardised her vocal abilities) but now she is back and fighting fit. Adele will be performing at the Grammys and has been nominated for six awards (she deserves at least seven like), lets just hope on the night she fucking destroys the competition at takes them all home! The only artist to out do Adele is twatty Kanye and his seven nominations, but is anyone really arsed because doubt he'll perform better than Adele on the night.